Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you thought maybe God would withhold it just to “test you”? I don’t know where I got this notion that God does this, but I still battle it.
Here I am again, like Eve in the garden. I see the fruit and I want it. And I wonder why He’s withheld it. Maybe He’s testing me.
In this case, the fruit is a baby. I’m not experiencing infertility and we’re not trying to conceive. My husband doesn’t currently want anymore children, but the desire in my heart for another is overwhelming. I’ve had many friends struggle with infertility, so I want to tread carefully and not pretend to know the agony of that… the shots, the doctor appointments, and hormones, and failed IVF. But I will just share my experience as authentically as possible, and maybe it will help you to not feel so alone. Perhaps it will restore your trust and faith in a God who knows and does best. Maybe it’s not about a baby for you, but about a job, a promotion you feel you deserve, a marriage you feel might never come…
This is what I’m learning in this season of waiting for something that may never come.
It’s painful to look around and see others getting what you want. It’s hard to be invited to baby showers. To walk through Target and see the maternity clothes. Everywhere I turn I see baby bumps. Even on the cover of my Better Homes and Garden magazine. Babies are on Instagram. They’re being announced or born every single day on Facebook. Ummm…..my very own OBGYN legitimately has two-week-old twins. (Please don’t ask me how I know that.) Everywhere I turn is a reminder of something I may never get to experience again.
People say hurtful things.
- You already have three kids. Be thankful.
- You should try for a girl.
- I hope you don’t get pregnant again. What if you have another boy? I’d feel sorry for you.
- You’re crazy. You can barely handle what you have now.
- You can always adopt.
Yes, I had three wild and crazy, amazing boys in three and a half years! Yes, parenting is overwhelming sometimes. Yes, my heart aches to raise a daughter. But no, I’d never regret being a mom to FOUR boys and I LOVVVE being a #boymom. Yes, I would love to adopt but the paperwork and cost alone deter us at this time. And anyway, that doesn’t take away the longing in my heart to feel my baby kick and grow.
It’s the only place in my marriage where I don’t feel totally understood.
Every cycle is another reminder to me of my unfulfilled heart. To him, it’s a relief. He sympathizes with me, but he doesn’t really “get” me. We’re just not on the same page, and that is difficult.
I don’t fit in.
I’m not experiencing infertility, so there’s no place for me to go to get support. There are no support groups for people like me.
God withholds no good thing.
I know He knows best. I have good days and bad days of giving my desires to him and keeping them off the altar. What He does, He does purposely, knowingly, intentionally. His goal is not to test us, it is to protect us and to perfect us in our faith.
God is good.
I hope you know that. I hope that in your pain and longing and waiting, you still can see that He loves you. Set whatever it is you’re wanting, set it before Him. In my last post I talked about praying for peace and how it is something I have to do many times a day. I think that’s what we have to do with this too.
Peace to you.