Curve Crush

Two thousand eight was a good year. The year I felt the most beautiful in all my life. The year I read Harry Potter for the first time and wore skirts and lived in the Taij (a house off campus) and rode my bike to class. The year I studied film and listened to classical music and monastic chants just because. The year I worked at camp and spritzed myself with the perfume in the pink bottle that smelled SO GOOD. The year I flirted with a cute boy via text and went to Hawaii and told my crush I loved him…

(so maybe 2008 wasn’t totally perfect, but for those occasions I had old school Taylor Swift and “Almost Lover” to play on repeat.)

I felt like a free spirit, excited for life. I felt adventurous, joyful, flirty, fun, and confident. Gosh, it was a wonderful feeling.

I want to feel that way again.

Today I have 3 beautiful sons and a doting husband who tells me every day how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. No need for Taylor Swift here. But I am 100 lbs overweight. My medical chart literally reads “morbidly obese.” I don’t wear dresses much anymore. I don’t feel like being around people. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. Running while carrying this many pounds is HARD. On my joints, on my lungs, on my self esteem…what are people thinking when they see my sad attempts?

And that question is my greatest downfall. What will people think? It is my idol. What are they thinking about my body? What do they think about my parenting? What will they think if my house isn’t organized? But who cares? Those things don’t define me. Not completely. They’re parts of me. But what gives my life value is that God created me in HIS image. And, Friend, He created you too. Not for shame, not for feeling less than. Not for people to admire you or think you’re a perfect parent. He created us for one purpose: to be with Him. So, I’m letting go of my idol, sisters. I’m letting go of 2008, but I might still wear that perfume in the pink bottle from time to time.


4 thoughts on “Curve Crush”

  1. It’s funny you say that… when I picture you in my mind, you are usually wearing a beautiful, trendy LLR dress with a huge smile on your gorgeous face! You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image!

    …besides, you didn’t know me in 2008 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ash I just want to say how much of a role model you have been for me these last few years and most particularly this last year! I have seen you in your struggles and watched how you seemed to handle them so well! It has given me courage to different things and to know that in the hard times I will make it thru, because I have God and people like you in my life!! Love you!!
    Proverbs 3:15-18
    You are BEAUTIFUL!!!


    1. Laura, thank you for encouraging me. I don’t think I know anyone as willing to learn and grow, or as generous. I’m thankful God brought us both to Mayville! You’re beautiful too!


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